being an open vessel

this place completely empties you out sometimes and at the same time completely fills you up again....

the last two days on D ward i have been looking after two patients both of whom have had previous surgery on the ship, during the outreach in Benin. According to Dr Gary, our expert, 22 years with mercyships, maxillofacial surgeon, out of the 70 cases that had new metal jaws put in for jaw tumours 2 have had complications and failed. and i was looking after those two today.
One is a little 12 year old boy, whos metal plate had erroded through his cheek - exiting at his chin and traveling on the outside of his face and going in again by his ear. certainly creating as much distain as a tumour. so yesterday his plate was removed. leaving him with no jaw and no chin.
The other is a lady who has had now 7 surgeries on her jaw. the one this afternoon will be her 8th. her metal jaw had some bone from her hip put on it at the end of the benin outreach, but the wound opened up again, exposing the metal and bone and is all infected.
both of these two are struggling, with what they look like once again, questioning why them. why them out of the 70 successful surgeries. the woman wondering if she will still look pretty after her surgery. the boy wondering what his friends will think now he has no chin or jaw.

there are no answers, i cannot give the  'all will be ok' cos it wont. maybe in time there might be the possibility of redoing surgery once again...but the success of that is unknown. for the moment both will leave here with the hope not so evident. with the jaw that was given to them no longer there.

i walked away from the wards this morning feeling empty...
                              but i didnt realise this, until i felt what it was like to be full again.

a few hours later i popped back to D ward (it is only down the corridor from my cabin) and noticed in the corner a little one year old that i took to surgery this morning - he was now back from surgery, sleeping peacefully in his mammas arms. mum sitting across the bed, leaning on the wall - with the biggest, widest smile that i have seen in a while, her eyes alight. she leant over to catch my eye as i stood at the door, knowing that was my cue i went over. craddling the brown head in my hands, watching him slowly breathing in and out; sleeping, peace, hope, love. it is good.
mum now considers her baby to be perfect. all it took was a few hours of surgery and the gaping hole in the babies palate and nose and top jaw and lip is all stitched up and neat again. her baby now looks like all the other babies in the village; no more of being an outcast.
her smile just reflected all that had been done and was being done in her soul - and reflected some how i was feeling as well. to go with the sad was the new beginning, new acceptance and hope.
pouring out love does empty you out, but there is an neverending supply of love coming down from above to fill you back up again. readying you to go back tomorrow and give out all over again. i am learning to be a vessel, open and ready. to be Jesus hands and be his heart here on D ward today and again tomorrow.